Mania · Student nurse stories · Updates

Imposter syndrome

When I was an inpatient, it was my job to write the board up in the morning. Rather than just writing the list of staff that were on that day, writing my board was an elaborate task, easily taking over half an hour. The right quotes had to be found, the right nicknames for staff had to be conjured up, and the right pictures had to be drawn. The other patients would gather round as I worked and the nurses would howl with laughter when my masterpiece was revealed. Manic me would take to writing my own name beside the list of nurses (in anticipation of being a student nurse) and they would tut and laugh and I would chirp back “sure I’m practically already a nurse!”

One day, near discharge, I said I’d have to come back to the ward every morning when I got home to make sure the board was done properly. The two nurses I was talking with snapped “no you will not; the only time you’ll be back on this ward is in uniform!!”

Discharge day arrived, and with the nurses’ words ringing in my ears and university quickly approaching, I promised myself the same thing.

It’s been a long haul, but last week I did just that- I had my first day of placement as a student nurse and stepped back onto a psychiatric ward wearing a uniform, and it was the best damn feeling.

Except, the whole thing was actually a bit disillusioning. Really and truly, my first day of placement was a bit underwhelming. The ward was understaffed, which meant the nurses were rushed off their feet and there was next to no staff-patient interaction, let alone time for staff to deal with a group of first year students who were qualified to do absolutely nothing. We got in the way, and spent most of the day hovering in the corridors or twiddling our thumbs in the nurses station, unsure if we were allowed to talk to patients or answer the phones or what it was that was expected of us.

More than that though, it felt strange. Day #1 I read patients files and feel like I have no right to do so- it was only several months before that nurses were writing in and reading my files. I pass on a patient incident to a member of staff and feel uncomfortalbe doing so- I was used to nurses in hushed whisphers passing on things about me. Day #2 I am presented with the medication charts and discover that patient #1 and I are on the same medications, down to the brand. Ironic, really. I follow the nurse round like a puppy, remembering that the last time I followed a nurse round a ward, I was manic and jabbering incessantly. The nurse comments on the cooker burn I have on my right wrist, and I wait for her to comment on the self inflicted scars on my left wrist. And so I walk the ward in my student nurse uniform, NHS lanyard swinging as I go, and I feel like an imposter.

impostor-syndrome-cartoon-823x1024

There was a difference, I discovered, between thinking about something happening and imagining how it might be or feel, and that thing actually happening. I imagined what it might be like to be a student nurse from my hospital bed, yet I never really thought about what it would actually be like. Sure, I knew it would be hard, that there was the potential for it to be triggering and that there might be times when I felt I’d jumped into it too soon, but I didn’t think I might feel like I didn’t belong there. Because at times I didn’t.

I felt I was playing dress up. I tugged at the sleeves of my uniform, fought with my head over whether the ward sister’s prolonged glance at my scars was real or imagined, worried that the offer to talk about ‘anything in private’ was aimed at me specifically, flinched any time they spoke of manic depression, or mania, or how such and such needs to come down- the exact words that were used about me a handful of months ago. Each day, all day, I just waited to be called out. For the nurses to go ‘haha very funny, now take the uniform off’. It’s all a little hard to wrap my head around, because the last time I was on a psych ward, I was a patient, and I don’t feel anywhere near ready or qualified enough to be a student nurse: six and a half months and five weeks of lectures is all that separates patient me from nurse me. And that’s a little strange and more than a little scary.

I’ve been told that there will come a time when my stories of wards as a patient will soon become replaced with stories of the wards as a student nurse. So far, I’ve completed two days of placement, and I can see that beginning to happen, even already. I am hoping that as I continue, I will be less compelled to chip in with ‘yeah, this one time, when I was in hospital…’ I am hoping that the longer I spend on the wards as a student nurse, the less I will fear being caught out, accused of dressing up, playing games. I spent so much of my last two inpatient admissions trying to play nurse, that it still feels a little surreal wearing a uniform for real.

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3 thoughts on “Imposter syndrome

  1. This time 2 years ago I could’ve written this myself (though not nearly so well!) … in fact on my very first ever day on placement, a lovely but terribly paranoid, acutely psychotic, patient kept scrutinising my name badge from afar…eventually taking me aside in the afternoon to tell me ‘I’ve worked it all out now: you’re a fake student nurse, not a real one!’ ….

    …I couldn’t help but laugh to myself on the way home. It was exactly how I’d felt all day. The feeling will take some time to disappear, but with every day out in placement, gradually taking on more tasks and gaining confidence in talking with patients, you’ll get there.

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  2. Thanks again for a very relatable post.. My experience? – first day ever on placement, about 6 months or so since I left a MH setting as an inpatient, feeling totally ‘imposter’ with my uni lanyard and namebadge.. Lovely but very paranoid and quite psychotic patient keeps eyeing up my badge throughout the day; we had some friendly small-talk but she seemed unsure about me. Just before I left, she sidled up to tell me ; It’s okay – I’ve worked it out: you’re a fake student nurse, not a REAL one!’ …

    I couldn’t help but laugh to myself on the way home. I’d almost ‘got away with it’ but someone had rumbled me ; ))

    It DOES get easier, as you become more competent, little by little…and your own experience will fade but leave you a more empathic practitioner.

    Good luck with the next days and weeks.

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  3. It was the other way around for me. I started as the student nurse and ended up as the patient, which was weird with the other students now looking after me. I never finished my nursing degree. I wish you all the best 🙂

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