Pro-tip: read this summary to save yourself some time. I am feeling frustrated that I feel defined by an illness I refuse to define me and don’t consider to be part of my identity, even though it is because it is a mental illness, so therefore, by definition, it has an impact on my thinking and behaviour,… Continue reading Two blog posts for the price of one…an update, I guess?
January. I have been an inpatient again for a few weeks now. The day I am due to fly back to England for uni has come and gone. The student nurses have CPR training, and I have convinced myself that I’ll be allowed to go too, once I OK it with the nurse taking it… Continue reading Taking it slow
It’s been ten days since I was discharged. Now that I’m home, things are kind of sinking in. In the space of two and a half-three months, I went from living with a group of people I’d made good friends with, in a new city, in a new country. I went from being a student… Continue reading Discharge, uni and a truckload of anxiety
Here is something. For the past 9 days I’ve been plagued with suicidal thoughts, followed by a plummeting mood. Discharge is, once again, postponed. Everyone scratches their heads, wondering why my mood still hasn’t levelled out. The nurses tell me that we need to get me home, before this place starts to eat me alive,… Continue reading Steamrolled
A few weeks ago, I stopped the medication miracle from working its magic. I didn’t mean to. I stopped the olanzapine because the way it made me both feel and eat became too difficult to deal with. The weighing scales tipped and I decided I would rather be anxious than a ravenously hungry zombie. Olanzapine,… Continue reading Thin ice
When I was an inpatient, it was my job to write the board up in the morning. Rather than just writing the list of staff that were on that day, writing my board was an elaborate task, easily taking over half an hour. The right quotes had to be found, the right nicknames for staff… Continue reading Imposter syndrome
Last night, like so many recently, I felt a bit off. A bit ‘blah’. A little low. I am both doing well and struggling. Typing this, I am crying. Yet, today was good. I felt good. I took in the autumn colours, the view of the city as I walked to uni. I sat with… Continue reading Unravelling